In a land of choices, teens struggle to find their values

April 13, 2001

Angelica Hunter has made a decision.

The 18-year-old will abstain from sex until she's married. Her choice is based on her moral and religious values, but also her own mother's difficult experience as an unmarried teen mother.

"It's helped me decide to wait," says the senior at Patrick Henry High School in San Carlos.

Teen-agers make tough decisions every day.

Do I drink at the party? Do I cheat on the test? How do I treat others, whether friends or not?

Most adults use life experiences, common sense and logic to make wise choices. However, the average 16-year-old doesn't have that maturity and wisdom to fall back on. Instead, they must rely on their values -- a set of priorities and a sense of right and wrong that they've picked up and pieced together from family, friends, church, TV and other sources.

While teen values can be vague, even contradictory, experts say what's important is their origin and how they're developed and applied in daily life. The ideals formed in adolescence will affect decisions felt for years to come.

Parental values

Passing values from parent to child doesn't occur automatically. It takes more than genetics, intelligence or even boundless love to guarantee everyone's on the same moral page.

"Parents have to spend a lot of time with their kids. A lot of time," says Patrick McDonough, 17, a junior at La Costa Canyon High School in Carlsbad. "I think most of your values come from your parents and your upbringing, but if you never see your parents, they're not going to have much of an effect in shaping your values."

Although psychologists and sociologists acknowledge that the teen-age years are usually a time of independence and pulling away from parental structure, it doesn't mean parents still can't influence their children after puberty.

"Parents often have this feeling that when kids get to be in the double digits, they don't need us anymore. That's absolutely not true," says Margaret Sagarese, author of "Parenting 911" and "Cliques" (Broadway Books). "Never do parents have more influence over kids than when they're teens. Never are kids so fragile and need to have someone to talk to and to know they're loved."

But, it takes more than just talking.

"They've got to listen. And, keep listening," Hunter says.

School counselors say this is a common plea from teen-agers.

"Adolescents want to be heard. And, we must validate them," says Nancy Regas, a counselor at Patrick Henry High School. "Their ideas and thoughts may not be perfect, but it's important to give them credit for thinking and weighing things."

It's also necessary to reason with teens about values and morals, not simply dictate rules.

Brandon Welch, 17, a senior at Patrick Henry, says his parents convey values to him in two ways. His mother tells him stories about when she was young and mistakes she made, and how he can avoid making the same ones.

His stepfather, on the other hand, is more likely to simply set limits without much explanation.

"I'm (more apt to) listen to my mother," he says. "She talks to me like a human being, like her peer."

In order for teen-agers to accept parents' values, time must be spent "bringing our kids to some conclusions," Sagarese says.

"We can't just say 'no beer,' 'no sex.' We can't just be authoritarian and shove it down their throats," she said from her New York home. "Parents must reason with them so they feel these values are worth adopting."

However, all the talking, preaching, and cajoling about ethics and values won't mean a thing if parents don't demonstrate those values in their own behavior.

"If your parents are hypocrites, it completely defeats the purpose," says Alon Sachar, 16, a junior at Patrick Henry. "Everything they've said is gone, wasted."

Regas, the counselor at Patrick Henry, recommends parents look at themselves in the mirror and ask, "What do the kids see?"

"You don't want them to say the 'F' word, but you just called your neighbor that. You tell them not to lie, but when the phone rings, you say, 'Tell them I'm not here,' " Regas says. "Parents have to be willing to examine themselves because the kids are going to be looking at you very carefully and will be watching what you do when you least expect it."

Other influences

Despite parents' effort, or perhaps because of the lack of it, teen-agers often turn to other sources to determine priorities and what's right and wrong.

"Kids will get their values any place they're available," says Karen Luton, executive director of the Mental Health Association of San Diego County.

Sara DeBolt, a University High School sophomore, says her parents have had little influence on her values.

"My parents weren't very strict," said the 16-year-old, as she and some friends gathered at Fashion Valley on a recent afternoon. "I really wasn't raised with any values. Maybe if I had been, I'd be a better person today. My values come from my friends."

Sociologists say teens relying upon other teens for moral strength and support is completely natural.

"Teen-agers are greatly influenced by their peers. It has been that way for a very long time," says Joan Bruner, a San Diego licensed clinical social worker.

Whether relying on your friends to help set your values is a good thing or not, "all depends on the peers," says Lindsey Brengle, 17, a senior at Patrick Henry.

For Travis Ross and his friends, drinking and sex "is just unheard of," says the 16-year-old sophomore at Santa Fe Christian School in Solana Beach. "But that's probably because of where I go to school. I know my values are probably different from other kids (at public schools)."

However, Welch, a Patrick Henry senior, argues that it's possible to have friends with a completely different set of values and not compromise your own.

"I have a lot of friends whose values I don't approve of. They do drugs and I don't. But, they're still my friends," he says, adding that he doesn't try to "reform" his buddies, but simply "stands back. We just don't get into it."

Brengle says just seeing the problems or pain her friends have experienced with drugs or alcohol, "has helped me determine my own values. I know I don't want to go through that," she says.

Although there will always be peer pressure, the role that it plays in influencing values, "depends on the strength of the individual adolescent," Regas says.

"It's an adolescent's job to move toward independence," she says. "They must stand back and evaluate everything around them based on the foundation they've developed. That's how they cross into adulthood."

Marissa Garcia says she plans to keep her eyes open along with her mind.

"You have to look at the values of your family, your friends, school, TV and everything that's around and then decide," says the 17-year-old Patrick Henry senior. "You have to be your own person and say these are the values I want for myself."