By bringing kids to a place of mutual respect, the cruel and unusual punishment of bullying can be stopped

April 14, 2001

NADIA BOROWSKI SCOTT / Union-Tribune  Getting along: Students at Mar Vista High School in Imperial Beach join hands at a conflict-resolution workshop sponsored by the San Diego Mediation Center.

Think back to third grade, sixth grade, ninth grade. Maybe you were too short, too thin, too fat, too tall, too dumb, too smart. Too ... whatever "they" decided. They who tripped you, mocked you, grabbed your lunch. Stole your dignity, your confidence, your spirit.

You remember because you just can't forget.

Studies show this is what school is like for one in seven children. Every day. All year long.

With school tragedies highlighting unforgivable torment suffered by many young shooters, bullying has become a life-and-death issue.

When bullies are not stopped, they grow up and start rumors about you at work, follow you too closely on the freeway, beat up their spouses ... and raise new little bullies next door.

Bullies bully because they can. Because school and families don't or won't recognize the behavior, and victims and witnesses don't speak up.

It has to stop.

"The climate of cruelty is the main issue for our middle schools," says Margaret Sagarese, co-author of "Cliques: 8 Steps to Help You Child Survive the Social Jungle."

She has plenty of examples, one involving an incident on Long Island, where she lives.

"It was right after Santee. A middle school principal called to talk to me about a boy in his school who's troubled. Some other boys had said they heard him say he was going to bring a gun to school. The worst rumor about you in middle school used to be you're gay. Now the worst rumor is you're a time bomb.

"We're getting like Salem, with the 'let's get rid of the angry kid, the misfit.' That's not enough. If you take the rotten apple out of the orchard, and the orchard is still rotten, another victim will rise for the amusement of the crowd who will either participate in the bullying or not stand up against it."

Defining the problem What is bullying? Bullying, in its truest form, is a series of repeated, intentionally cruel incidents, involving the same children, in the same bully and victim roles. Bullying can also consist of a single interaction. The intention of bullying is to put the victim in distress in some way. Bullies seek power. Types of bullies Physical Bullies Physical bullies are action-oriented. This type of bullying includes hitting or kicking a victim or taking or damaging a victim's property. Verbal Bullies Verbal bullies use words to hurt or humiliate another person. Verbal bullying includes name-calling, insulting, making racist comments and constant teasing. Relational Bullies Relational or relationship bullies try to convince their peers to exclude or reject a certain person or people and cut those victims off from their social connections. The most devastating effect with this type of bullying is the rejection by the peer group at a time when children most need their social connections. Reactive victims Reactive victims are often the most difficult to identify because, at first glance, they seem to be targets for other bullies. However, reactive victims often taunt bullies and physically bully other people themselves. A reactive victim may provoke a bully into action, then fight back and claim self defense. Source: Bully B'Ware

She further illustrates her point by recalling another Long Island boy, an honor student, who recently put 25 peers on a hit list.

"I wanted to know if they had done something to merit being put on that list instead of focusing on the kid who made the list. We have to widen the lens to include the whole picture."

Progress report

When a student there produced a hit list of his tormentors on the back of a class handout, parents of some of the kids on the list demanded the school do something. Principal Frans Weits ordered an investigation, then took action against those involved in the incident -- including the students whose behavior landed them on that list.

"In light of what's happened at neighboring districts, San Marcos High now has a zero tolerance policy toward bullying," says Weits. And everyone -- faculty, staff, students and parents -- is on notice that students will be held accountable for everything from verbal harassment to physical aggression.

The school's commitment to do something apparently touched a nerve because, Weits says, other bullying on campus has been reported, which has launched more investigations and more suspensions.

The goal isn't to get rid of the bullies, but to get rid of the bullying.

But the schools can't do it all.

"The genesis of this is not in school," says Wes Braddock, Safe School Coordinator for Sweetwater Union High School District. "We're not teaching bullying."

Sagarese urges, begs parents to sit down and talk things over with their kids. In San Diego, this is one of those teachable moments, she suggests. But she cautions that parents can only teach what they are willing to learn themselves.

"We all say, 'Not my child.' I hear it when I do the bully talk with parents. And then I tell them that when my daughter was in fifth grade, she was participating in bullying, not even understanding what she was doing."

That's when Sagarese knew that, despite being an expert on the subject, she hadn't had enough discussions with her own child. And when she did, she learned her child had been involved in the behavior on all levels -- as the bully and the victim and the bystander.

"I tell parents this story because all of our children have a stake in this behavior. We have to arm them and teach them how to get rid of this. There's no such thing as an innocent bystander."

And no one's child, whether a misfit or the big man on campus, is immune.

She cautions parents not to say, " 'I don't have to worry about this; my kid's popular.' Not true. Nobody's safe when there's random violence."

Sagarese's advice: Don't laugh at put-downs you hear in sitcoms; talk to one another about what's going on in school; watch your child's behavior with siblings and peers. Is it kind or cruel? Watch the example you set at home, on the freeway, with other adults. The comments you make about a celebrity's wardrobe or hairstyle could be your child's comments about a classmate tomorrow.

"We have to build a climate -- in our homes and schools -- that is kinder."

Why bullying must be stopped By age 24, 60 percent of identified bullies have a criminal conviction. Children who are repeatedly victimized sometimes see suicide as their only escape. Bullying is one of the most underrated and enduring problems in schools today. Bullies lose their popularity as they get older and are eventually disliked by the majority of students. Young children who were labeled by their peers as bullies required more support as adults from government agencies, had more court convictions, more alcoholism, more anti-social personality disorders and used more mental health services. Many adults do not know how to intervene in bullying situations, therefore, bullying is often overlooked. Bullying occurs once every seven minutes. The emotional scars from bullying can last a lifetime. The majority of bullying occurs in or close to school buildings. Most victims are unlikely to report bullying. Only one in four students report that teachers intervene in bullying situations, while seven in 10 teachers believe they always intervene. Source: Bully B'Ware

Turning things around

Students in grades 4 through 12 can be suspended or recommended for expulsion if the principal determines that the student "has intentionally engaged in harassment, threats, or intimidation, directed against a pupil or group of pupils ... " when that behavior disrupts class work, creates substantial disorder and invades the rights of other students by creating a

hostile educational environment.

The language has been there for years. In the education code and in the student handbook of every school, under the heading of respecting one another. So how did bullying get to be what is now labeled: an epidemic?

"It has been going on forever, for whatever reason," Braddock says. "Somehow, (the handbook) is not being heeded by the students. It's there in writing, now it's a matter of focusing on it. We need to let parents know really early if Johnny's bullying another student. We need to make sure we enforce the posted classroom rules. We're not taking anything lightly at all anymore."

Which means that, while the most severe cases always have been dealt with, Weits and others are now broadening the net.

Jackie Allen, education programs consultant at the California Department of Education, says that's what it will take if individual school boards are to put teeth in the code and in the policies and programs at their schools. It will be up to administrators and principals to follow Weits' lead and see that the code is enforced.

"We will deal with it in a number of ways," he says. For the kid who laughs at a classmate for giving the wrong answer, Weits expects the teacher to issue a warning. That will be followed up by a mediation session. Things get tougher as the situation does, moving to disciplinary action that could include anything from a one-day suspension to outright expulsion.

"More and more districts are probably going to look at it," he predicts. Especially since it's working.

"We have other students come in now and say, 'Would you check into this?' or 'This kid is being picked on all the time.' Everyone's becoming more sensitive," says Weits.

The ante is up, says Sweetwater Union's Braddock. "We will err on the side of being overcautious."

It's Braddock's job to bully-proof middle school and high school campuses in the South County.

"We're telling them this is something you don't do," says Braddock, who expects anyone who sees it not to overlook it, whether that's "a (school) gardener overhearing put-downs, or a teacher hearing the mocking of a student by one or more other students in class."

Weits suspects most students will learn after being warned. He also suspects some amount of teasing will always go on.

"But students know very well the point where it goes beyond fun."

While some San Marcos High parents have responded to Weits' policy by citing the First Amendment as their kids' constitutional right to bad-mouth their peers, the majority approve.

"Most parents have been very cooperative, saying 'I didn't know my son would do this or my daughter would do this. And when their child says he or she was just joking around, they were told that it isn't funny to the other person.

"We all do things we're a little ashamed of ... most kids will learn from this."

And maybe parents will, too.

Some homework

"We think of a bully as a person," says Sagarese. "It is a group behavior. It is a group of girls shunning one girl; it can be a look, a word, a tone of voice. Girls use friendship as the currency of bullying, saying 'You can sit with us today,' and then when you go and sit down tomorrow, they look at you like eeeew. You wonder is it your hair, your outfit, or did you forget to put deodorant on? With boys, it's rumors that you're gay, always something on the manliness rating."

Anti-bullying programs in the schools can help.

Sarah Schrier is head of her PTA's "Character Counts" committee. As the mother of two children at Bird Rock Elementary in La Jolla, she's solidly behind the program that helps kids see their behavior for what it is.

"The idea is to get kids to be nice to each other, don't exclude folks, resolve conflicts by talking."

The national program, developed by the Josephson Institute for Ethics, headquartered in Marina del Rey, provides materials and resources to schools that want to fold character education into the school day.

"The children have opportunities, through things that happen in the classroom, to say 'How might we have done this differently?' "

Each month there is a theme for teachers, students and parents to follow -- this month it's citizenship, last month it was trustworthiness -- expanding on the pillars of Character Counts.

"The students have an opportunity to reflect on how they see that theme in their day-to-day life," Schrier says. And the teachers get materials and literature and exercises to do in the classroom.

"Our school doesn't have the kind of problems other schools may have," says Schrier. "We don't have a lot of tension among groups."

And they want to keep it that way.

"What we're trying to accomplish is, generally, producing kids who will take a minute to think about how they actually treat others, instead of always saying, 'What's in it for me?' "

Sagarese urges parents to support such programs, those that build bridges between students. It can be character education or "respect clubs" for younger children, conflict resolution workshops and an atmosphere of inclusion for older kids.

"Just make sure that the parents are included," Sagarese says, "and that this type of education talks about cliques and cliques' leaders and bullying -- in those words."

Above all, she says, "we, as parents, have to teach our children about integrity and acceptance, of ourselves and others."

And when things go wrong, when your child is a victim or the bully or the bystander, be there, she says. Work through each experience. That's what parenting is. Everyone is pressed for time and looking for a quick fix.

"We have become such an unkind culture. Fixing this requires no less than a revolution, and we have got to do something. This is a civil war, a life-and-death situation as you have seen in San Diego.

"We're wringing our hands. Instead of that, there are things we can do, steps we can take. If we start now, with fourth-graders, we can change the world our children live in."