April 14, 2001

What no parent wants to hear: Your child is behaving like a bully.

If you hear this from your child's school, the neighbors, the Little League coach, your first response will probably be defensive. Experts say, wait. Try to process what's being said.

Maybe you can say to the other adult: "Instead of labeling my child, please tell me what happened."

Then, make yourself really listen. Remember that this discussion is ultimately about the well-being of your child, regardless of how it's coming across.

 If your child is behaving aggressively or acting like a bully, remember that this behavior is probably coming from your child's feelings of vulnerability. You need to look for what is going on in your child's interactions with others and what is going on internally to cause your child to behave this way.

 Talk with your child. Don't place blame. Don't get into a discussion about the "whys" of what happened. Your discussion should focus on several key points:

-- "Bullying is not acceptable in our family or in society."

-- "If you are feeling frustrated or angry or aggressive, here are some things you can do." Then offer some ideas -- walking away from a bad situation, talking things over with a friend, etc.

-- Role-play, act out the new behaviors your child will try when faced with a difficult situation in the future.

-- Ask how you can help? Who could your child go to at school if things get ugly again?

 Specify concrete consequences if the aggression or bullying continues.

The goal here is to stop the behavior, understand your child's feelings, then teach and reward more appropriate behavior.

Source: Safe Child, Sherryll Kraizer, Ph.D., executive director.