It's about time we modernize some of those old maxims that our parents passed on to us. So here are some updates of some of the old adages:
Old: If you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about!
New: If you don't stop crying, you're going back to the shrink!
Old: Do you think we live in a barn? Close the door!
New: Do you think oil is still $2 a gallon? Close the door!
Old: If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times . . .
New: If I've told you once, I've e-mailed you, texted you, left cell phone messages, IM'ed you and left sticky notes for you a thousand times . . .
Old: Don't read at the table.
New: Don't text, Google or e-mail at the table.
Old: Stop misbehaving or I'll turn this car right around!
New: Stop misbehaving or I'll take away your Game Boy and your iPod and turn off the car's TV!
Old: When I was a kid, I had to walk two miles to school in the rain and the snow.
New: When I was a kid, there was no Nintendo. All we had was Space Invaders and Pac-Man.
Old: Wait until your father comes home. You're going to be in big trouble!
New: Wait until your father has custody. You're going to be in big trouble!
Old: If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.
New: If you can't stand the heat in the kitchen, go out for pizza.
Old: Don't bite the hand that feeds you.
New: Don't criticize mom's cooking unless you want to eat peanut butter sandwiches every night.
Old: You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
New: You can't teach mom and dad how to use that darned video game controller.
Old: A penny saved is a penny earned.
New: A dollar saved is just $32,999 short of the cost of tuition at Princeton.
Old: Better the devil you know than the devil you don't know.
New: Better the surly boyfriend your daughter's dating now than the next boyfriend who could be a psychotic, drug-addicted, high-school dropout and ax murderer.
Old: Practice makes perfect.
New: Practice might not make perfect, but it at least makes mom and dad feel better about hundreds of dollars spent on piano lessons.
