QUESTION: My wife and I have been married for two years. We have no children. A month ago she told me she needed space for a while and asked for a separation. Since we haven't been getting along for about six months, I agreed that it was a good idea providing we see a counselor on a weekly basis to help us put the pieces back together. During counseling, it came out that she was already living with someone. I'm devastated, and I don't know what to do. How often do you see people go back together after a trial separation?
ANSWER: We see it quite often, but that is based on the fact that it's a trial separation and not just an excuse to get out. It sounds to us as if your wife was a coward about coming clean when fooling around and used the “I need space” excuse to take a break.
We hate to be the bearer of bad news, especially since you have admitted how hurt you are, but if she's living with someone, she's moved on. And as difficult as this might sound, it's probably the best advice we can give you, too. Somewhere along the line something happened, whether it was getting married too young, or simply “I made a mistake,” or someone swept her off her feet, she was not considering your feelings when she made the decision to stray – if indeed that is what happened – though if she's living with someone a month after you separated, it's a very good guess.
Bottom line: People who stay together want to.
The Ex Files is written by Jann Blackstone-Ford, M.A., and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe. They are the co-founders of Bonus Families (bonusfamilies.com) and the authors of “Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After a Divorce or Separation.”
